Scientists have discovered an alternative to watching Ninja Warrior UK, which will provide the same medicinal relief from our mind-numbing existence. Instead of cable TV and bar snacks, apathetic citizens can create morphine using the same kits used to make beer or provide blood transplants for Keith Richards.
Health Officials warned about the dangers of overdosing on morphine, but admitted that it is no worse than Britain’s Got Talent and a far more reliable form of pain relief than watching Come Dine With Me. It can also be taken in table form, whereas Big Brother only works as a suppository.
The team at the University of California revealed that they learnt how to turn sugar to opiates by watching Katy Perry videos and borrowing DNA from Jake Livermore’s urine samples. However, they added that withdrawal could lead to frequent liquid diarrhoea, or ‘Splash!’ as it is sometimes known.
